Day in, day out we made our way to the hospital to see Lauren. We were only allowed to stay 2 nights in the Hospital in a parents room near Lauren. Then it was travelling every day. Jonathan went back to work pretty quick because it made sense not to use up holidays, so when paternity leave was up he went back, and visited before, lunch time and came straight after. He only worked a ten minute walk away so it was nice to have him with us. But getting up so early to go in with him didn’t work for my exhausted post op, post baby body. So I got lifts in (wasn’t allowed to drive after c-section for 6 weeks just to make things super fun!!) and came home with Jonathan. The chairs in the room were no better than waiting room chairs you find in most hospital waiting areas. They were uncomfortable and I spent hours on them. But the silver lining here, although it did frustrate me slightly, was that only parents and grand parents were allowed in the surgical newborns ward. So I got a lot of time just me and my new baby. Sure, I felt like she had been taken away from me, even though I knew she needed to be in hospital, but having these hours in the day holding her every second I could was the only time during these first 5 weeks where I felt calm and peaceful.

I remember leaving that hospital vividly each night, and before I was out of the Peter Congden wing, I was crying and couldn’t control it. I knew that Lauren was screaming through the nights. I heard a Sister in the ward talking to a nurse and trying to be quiet one day. It went something like this: Nurse-“she seems really content”, Sister-“yeah, she always is during the day when mum is here, but as soon as she goes she is really unsettled”. This made me smile, I turned to them to see if they were looking my way, they were, and I grinned at them. A knowing grin came back from a Sister who saw the gratefulness in me that my baby knew me and loved me. But I cried even more that night when leaving, just hating that my tiny little girl might be thinking I was abandoning her. It broke me some more. I hated it. I was mad!!

We went over to Jimmy’s where the CF ward was after 3/4 weeks ish. We met Doctors, physios, nurses, dieticians and everyone that would be involved with Lauren all in the space of a few days, all with new information. It was so surreal. I would literally sit back sometimes and wish that I was just dreaming because I could not do this. This was too much. And all I wanted was to be home, with my baby and my husband and ignore the world. But that wasn’t an option and this whirlwind seemed to suffocate me a little more each day. All the while trying to stay positive and not let people think you are a blithering mess who couldn’t cope with this baby, just in case they didn’t let her home with me. Irrational thoughts? Yes! But this was no normal set of circumstance.

I was quite timid believe it or not with those involved, I retreated a little because this was all the unknown. I’m so different now with how I respond to others concerning Lauren. Then….I let others take the lead for a while. I’m not sure how long that lasted but it was at least until after she was back in and out of hospital again.

We got to take Lauren home for a weekend, then a crazy doc (who we love) let us take her to Centre Parcs. But about ten days after having her out, we could not settle her at all, it got worse and worse and she was re admitted. It was figured out that she had bad reflux and instead of throwing up all the time it was just burning her within. so we got to spend another ten days in hospital with her. This time we got to stay over night at a house on site for children’s families. It wasn’t as hard leaving her for the night feeds then going back first thing. She got more meds, and put on weight and started to settle just nicely.

Again…we got to go home. But the day we did I had my first panic attack that I ever remember having. My breathing became harder to do, I was crying and said to Jonathan, “I can’t do this Jonathan, It’s too much and I can’t do it”. I felt like I was being suffocated. He calmed me down and balanced the situation out telling me I wasn’t alone, and that he knew we could do it. It was enough to calm me, but I know I definitely did not feel adequate for this almighty task at hand….at this point we also had the glimpse of another problem, but that will be the next episode.