As time moved on and Lauren ‘should’ be doing a few things that other children could do now, but she wasn’t doing them. Like talking, crawling, walking, interacting with each other. She did interact with others but not like her age children did. She bum shuffled, but really didn’t know what on earth her legs were for. She didn’t talk except for the word ‘ey’ at this point. It started to sink in how different our lives were going to be. Even looking at what my sisters life is like who has special needs, physically she’s OK so there are fewer barriers than those who are disabled. I got quite down realising life was not going to be anything like I’d imagined at all. Slowly I felt like every dream I had I was beginning to realise they were going to stay that way. She might not ever talk or walk.

I can think back to a hospital visit about 9 months into Lauren’s life, and I was walking down the corridor with Lauren and mum had come with us. We were going to X-ray. I hadn’t researched anything at this point. I turned to mum (who had researched everything that was up with Lauren’s brain), and I asked her with a quivering voice, “mum is there something up with her that means she won’t walk?” She responded with a look in her eyes that I’ll not forget. A sorrow within her, “possibly April, yes”. I cried but tried to hold it in as we had to return to the doctor after the X-ray.

There was a very long road ahead and I couldn’t see a bright light at the minute. It was a gloomy road and my babies life was full of uncertainties. Life really wasn’t fair.

Accepting these things happens in two separate chapters, or at least for me. Firstly I had to mentally accept my job was to help Lauren exceed expectations and have a full life. But beneath the surface with a very broken heart the second part is much harder. It’s reconciling within myself, in my heart that I’m going to do everything I can to feel OK about everything and make sure we’re happy. That one is much harder, longer and I’m still working on it. That one is a process. Little things can knock you back within this process. They can even knock you back daily, but I keep on trying.

It helps that I have such a strong, determined, peaceful and happy little girl. It also helps that I do have a perspective that includes a life after this earthly state. I honestly do believe that this is a short part of our existence, so understanding that one day all will be OK, also helps lift my spirits. It doesn’t take away what is now, reality, it just comforts me.