I think it’s safe to say I’ve known myself and my likes and dislikes for most of my life. I’m fairly strong minded. It is also safe to say I have had to get to know myself in a whole new way since being married, and even more so since having Lauren.

I have had to decide who I actually like being around. Who I don’t. I’ve had to be so honest with myself about my flaws it is a bit painful.

I’m selfish. I think I should come first. I think most people have a bit of this in them, but I had to peel the onion here and tell myself this, then also tell myself I am selfish but this cannot continue. Someone else comes a 100% first. I should say that this person is my husband, Jonathan. I can’t honestly say this though. That’s how a marriage should be, but Lauren needs it so much more and is quite demanding with everything she needs, that I have to make sure my utmost best is done to be there for Lauren in every which way. I am trying to make sure Jonathan comes next.

I am extremely angry at my Heavenly Father, God. I am. Because I don’t understand why my precious little girl (not baby any more 😦  ) has to deal with everything she has to deal with. It just isn’t fair. I have actually come across a family that played on the fact that Doctors ‘thought’ their child might have CF. They told everyone she did. Until it was proved she didn’t. And you know what-I felt like they deserved to have to deal with all this pain. That’s not a kind, or Christian thing to say. But seriously!! Yet, we are the ones who deal with this pain. I’m angry because to a certain degree I understand why we have to face trials, heart ache’s. Opposition in all things. I believe in who God is, my eternal Father. I have had experiences I cannot deny nor would I want to. To some it may sound disrespectful that I’m talking about Deity in such a way. To those I would say, my relationship with God is a personal one. I have to let myself feel and work out my relationship with him by myself. Don’t judge me and I’ll show you the same respect.

I am bitter. I am not 100% bitter. I have moments where I look around and just get bitter because I see good situations everywhere. I see how easy life can be. And I am bitter.

I am not a great wife. I try and am trying even more so lately but I have got so much work to do. I am an OK wife. My goal is to be the one Jonathan deserves.

I have suffered with depression, stress and anxiety, and I still do. I have had to be honest with myself and seek help in the places that I know can help me. This help isn’t from church (some may think that’s what I mean). I need more strategic professional help to implement coping mechanisms. I do not cope with things very well after the last 6 years of non stop trials. It’s hard talking about mental illness. I have said for years I’m mental-flippantly and in no way to try and cause offence by my use of the word. But I do actually struggle with mental health problems. What a scary thing to admit to yourself. But my decision is to do all I can to help myself. The rest is written in the stars I suppose!!

I am an extremely devoted Mother. No one loves that little girl like I do. My entire existence is to try and be better so she has better. My life revolves around her every need. The moment I knew she had my heart-I committed to being the best for her. That is what I’ve tried to do through everything. Better at times than others. I see her limitations as a challenge to try something new with her. She does not like me most of the time. But I know what that little munchkin is capable of, and so I will continue to try and be drill sergeant but make sure she knows I love her. I have at times had to swallow my pride because someone else knows best where she’s concerned. However-there have been more times when I have had to push myself to fight for the best for Lauren. She has helped me grow and be strong and be more than I could be. An eternal connection is weaved into our souls.

I have become less caring for simpler things with children. I don’t know how to change that. I don’t mean to be. I have just seen so much, my tiny baby could have very well have been to weak to take surgery-then what! She survived major bowel surgery. Not the worst anyone ever had to deal with by far but she has been prodded and poked and had so much to deal with, that when someone has something trivial going on, I find myself thinking-get over it, it’s not life and death. One day I will lose my child to a horrible disease. Does your problem compare?! I don’t say those things because the tiny filter system I do have tells me that I’m being irrational. Those things are relative to the people involved. I try not to beg attention for my child’s condition. I just get on with it. Because that is what I want her to know about me. I’m a do-er. I’m proactive. I do feel things-deeply-but I want her to experience and enjoy life so I concentrate on that. I try not to focus on the life or death situation that hangs over us like a deep dark cloud. It’s there. But that’s not what I want Lauren to know.

I feel guilty sometimes, mostly when I am around my nieces and nephews without Lauren. I find myself happy that I get to walk with someone who doesn’t need my help to walk. I find myself relieved at how easy it is taking one of them to the toilet. How easy it is to explain something to them or playing with them because they understand how to play. Then I feel a pang of guilt because I don’t want Lauren to ever feel like she isn’t enough. It’s so hard.

I am grateful. To everyone who makes an effort with me, us. To understand how my life is and not be offended if I’m a bit curt sometimes. To everyone who understands how hard it can be, and they relieve the stress and burden for a short time.  I feel incredibly blessed to be surrounded by some incredibly amazing people. Lauren is one very lucky girl.

I know my limits in most situations. I leave rooms when people become too much. I try not to go into situations where I’m going to be too honest with someone else. I try to stay away from social functions or get togethers when I feel very run down. My family need the best from me. So I’ve had to slow down. I’ve had to stop overloading myself. I’ve had to realise when I just can’t do something even when I really want to, because it will leave me feeling worse.

I’ve started writing. I needed to write things down to get them out of my head, to process. I’ve needed to become more and more open with myself and I’m still in the middle of ‘who do I want to become’. It probably won’t stop-we are always evolving so I want a good grounding for the future me.

No matter how hard I am perceived to be, I have a very deep soft heart and don’t go out of my way to be unkind. Getting to know yourself and truly honestly admitting things to yourself about who you are is actually a very scary, raw and challenging task. I am still going. I realised opinions of others has very little chance of mattering to me. people I love have a bigger chance but I’ve got to be OK with me, and if I’m OK with me, then I’m OK.