When you decide to have a child, it perhaps doesn’t enter your mind that in a way the child is having you-metaphorically speaking. It’s all exciting that you’ve created this baby with someone you love (with exceptions of course(not meaning my Jonathan!! ;-D)) and are about to take yourselves upon this adventure with them. (Please note here-It wasn’t exciting for me, not past the first 6 weeks. I got sick and hated all the rest, and everything that could make me feel rubbish, did! Yuck!)

It doesn’t enter your head for a second that things could be bad, things could be really bad for this baby and you’ll be thrown into a journey you had never imagined.

Lauren was born on the 22nd Dec. That’s right-right before Christmas! Terrible timing on our part!

Our holiday season should have been filled with a relaxed, chilled boxing day. Sorting out Lauren’s clothes and all her gifts that we had been flooded with. We should have been meeting family and friends that we were so excited and proud to show her off to. We were mesmerised by her and we wanted others to meet and love her. New years is always at my mum’s and surrounded by family. We should have been there with my niece, new nephew and impending baby Bray. We should have be surrounded by family helping me figure out those first few weeks. I should have been resting and recuperating from the Caesarean section. Healing and basking in the new life we had with us.

We didn’t get that. I didn’t get that. On boxing day we were going from hospital to hospital, in my 4 day post op state I was trailing the corridors of Leeds General Infirmary trying to find the ward my baby girl was on. I was in physical pain with all the walking, my scar was fresh and it hurt. I needed to find her though. I was sending her to the operating theatre on the 27th Dec and I was sat uncomfortable in a car for hours awaiting news that she was OK and what had been up with her. For the next few weeks I sat on horrible, uncomfortable chairs for all the hours in the day that I could, next to her waiting for her to stir so I could hold her and not put her down until I had to leave. I spent those days eating crappy hospital or shop bought food most of the time. I couldn’t drive so I had to spend time in cars with people going at their pace, at their convenience. None of that was unbearable, and I’m grateful for those that helped.

When Lauren was 5 weeks old we begged the doctors to let us take her on holiday. That was for me. It wasn’t for Lauren. But our begging worked and even though some thought we shouldn’t have, we were let to take her out of hospital and go. It was awful. She wasn’t happy or comfortable. It was a horrible week.

Then it started to sink in. This baby wasn’t here for me. She wasn’t here to just tag along and accompany me on my little life’s path. It was all about HER. I needed to get a grip.

I flipped my life upside down. My life now revolved around her. Even more so than I could imagine as the weeks and months went by. And it has been my motto ever since. I need to make this about her. Give her everything she needed, give her life experiences, give her my all to make sure she was here to live rather than to just exist.

It’s not about us as parents. Selfish parents bug me so much. It’s about giving these little ones happiness through experiences and even if they’re uncomfortable, or not fun at all and out of our comfort zones we need to let our children have them because you had your childhood and now it’s time for them to have theirs. I don’t particularly love swimming. I have tried my hardest to take Lauren though as she really loves swimming.

Our recent holiday was amazing, but not MY amazing. It was about letting Lauren be in the sea and sand and make sure she’s eating and drinking right and had enough to keep her occupied and happy. That was exhausting. But it’s an experience she loves to look at the pictures from and she loved it. I didn’t get to sunbathe an awful lot (Jonnie let me do some!), I didn’t get to thoroughly relax and recuperate the way I would have if Lauren been ‘typical’ or ‘normal’. But even then, the holiday would have been about her. Because I have had my chance to be a child. It is her time now.

If you do think it’s about you and what you get to control in these little ones, your likes and dislikes passed on. Rules for the sake of rules. Making them grow up before their time. Not giving them the experience of life as a child; then in my humble opinion you are selfish and have gotten it the wrong way round.

Of course, I’m not saying I’m perfect and I struggle sometimes. But this I will say-I have done many a thing that I’ve not enjoyed or loved or had fun at because I know Lauren would. If I continue in that way I think we’ll have a happy child!!

It should be all about them, because before you know it they will have grown up and you will have missed your chance at giving them out of life what every child should have. A childhood.

(the first pyjama party Lauren had-many more to come, a Christmas eve special!)