On the 9th January 2011 my Cousin Daniel decided it was time to end his life. He was found by family. He had planned it all. Life was just too much for him. He had suffered much at the hands of others who should have cared about him and took care of him. But ultimately he had made his own decision and took his own life, leaving a daughter and many family members behind, truly devastated.

Whilst I loved Daniel-from the distance that was put between us, we had obviously grown apart. The news was heart breaking though. We had messaged on Facebook just before Christmas 2010. I had no idea things were so bad for him.

We travelled up to the funeral in a car of Kev, me, Jord (I think?) and Becky. We had booked the hotel that my Uncle Andrew (Daniels Father) and his wife Andrea and my mum were at.

I realised something on this trip…..and really this is what this post is about.

The evening we arrived, ready for the funeral the next day, we all had a meal together in the hotel. And as conversation took it’s course Daniel came up and how horrible the whole thing was. Mum said just in the conversation ‘it must be horrible to have to think about burying your child’. At this point something happened, I hadn’t realised how much that very thought haunted me. I burst into tears and replied very quietly ‘yes, it is’. She perhaps hadn’t realised that this reality could indeed be mine one day, and responded with affection ‘then that must be a really hard thing to live with’. I did my best to choke back those tears and compose myself, because I didn’t want that evening or next day to be about me at all. We were there for Daniel. It was hard to do though, because it really does haunt me.

Not nearly as much as it will other people, even other parents of CF kids. Lauren is so very blessed and stays relatively well considering the odds against her. Man alive though does it break my heart when those thoughts float around- that one day I would have to plan her funeral.

I know people who have lost children, so in no way do I want to pretend to know what that feels like or what that reality is to live with; I don’t. I just know the very thought of it shakes my entire world so I pray to God I won’t have to live that reality for a very very long time.

I’m glad other people pray for that with me too.