The more I have been thinking about this post the more I have thought, I wonder if most people think like this?

It has weighed heavily on my mind and heart over several months (most likely for years rather than months), more heavily than ever before how I don’t feel like I fit in anywhere fully.

I joined a facebook CF parents group, and for the most part my questions can be answered, but for everyone asking questions about children they have around the same age as Lauren I find myself not being able to relate as often as I would have thought, but because of her disabilities, it means she’s more often than not different to them so not on the same level, but some babies/toddlers I could answer questions for. Yet, because she’s bigger than them, I don’t in case any flippant remarks are made that could upset me without them knowing the situation.

I can talk to parents of children with special needs, and we have some things in common but not all of them are disabled too, and I haven’t come across a parent yet that has the same combination of issues Lauren has.

I am mum to a 7 yr old, who is more like late toddler in age, temper of a 7yr old going on teenager, but happy and innocent as a baby and still at the same toileting as a toddler. Her illness makes everything complicated, and I mean everything, and nobody understands it. Nobody can. It makes me cry sometimes thinking how alone I am. It has got me so down in the past that I isolate myself from everyone.

Until recently. I’ve decided that it is kind of awesome that I get to meet so many different people. I am going to interact and share stories as much as possible even though ours may be complicated, because lets face it, who likes a ‘wo is me’ kind of character haha!

On a serious note though, I’m turning this one around. It’s hard enough thinking I don’t fit in. It’s hard enough just in life. I now feel like I am privileged to be able to be across so many groups/classifications with Lauren. This means she’ll get to interact and make a few more people smile, she’ll be able to brighten up more people’s days. And you never know, along the way I may just be able to help someone just because we’ve been a part of so many different groups/categories and I might be able to help them fell less alone.

This is me; April, mum to Lauren, wife to jonnie, book keeper, former gym instructor, 34 years old, trying to stay active, well, overcome a myriad of challenges thrown my way recently, trying to change to be kinder, a better wife and mother, Oils loving, chocolate devotee, religious, PA to a complicated chronically ill, disabled and special needs beautiful amazing girl, confident for the most part, honest in all, loyal friend trying to fit in yet realising I don’t actually want to fit in to just one place. That’s restricting and I’m becoming more and more glad that this little girl has changed my life.