I was finding it so difficult on Wednesday (8th March 2017) as Lauren was due to go in hospital. She was due in for a few things to be done at once. She thought she was on holiday, so excited to go see the Doctors and nurses and other professionals involved. Seriously-I need her to share some of that. They do an amazing job, but as equally grateful I am for them-I wish I never had to see any of them ever again.

The anesthetist was named Ingrid, she was a lovely lady from South Africa and so lovely with Lauren. I find it incredible how much trust someone can instill within you when you have literally just met them, but she did just that.

My precious little girl was prepped and once in the CT room Ingrid popped a canula in Lauren-who didn’t make a peep-just watched as it was being done. I could feel the tears filling up inside of me, and once Lauren started to go to sleep on Jonnie’s knee I just needed to get out of there. I couldn’t physically hold it together anymore. It took me right back to that first time she headed to surgery. Everything is out of our hands. I hate that feeling. I broke down in the corridor after leaving her and needed to get out of that hospital. Equally after about 6 minutes out, I needed to get back in to wait for her.

She was in good hands though, and when we went to pick her up to go back to the ward with her Ingrid stroked her very very sleepy nose and said softly to her, “I think it was my privilege today to meet you Lauren”. I think everyone should feel like that. She is pretty incredible.

Lauren was extremely groggy after it all. She’d had a CT scan, a Ph Probe inserted to be there for 24 hours, a Broncoscope done and a bit of a wash out whilst they were in there, and a long line put in so she can have IV’s for the next two weeks. We got the initial results pretty quickly, some small scarring to her lungs, lots of infection and that we were to be in hospital for the next two weeks. You don’t get chance to really express emotion in these situations. You just have to kind of sit there, absorb it all, and try to process without looking incompetent to look after your child. We asked a couple of questions but the end result is always what is best for Lauren-that is what we do.

When Lauren is poorly, I often feel like I get the brunt of it, she’s mad and not smiling, crying, coughing and I feel helpless.

Later on in the evening as Jonnie and I had not eaten, around 10pm or a tad later she finally fell asleep. But in the lead up to falling asleep she was holding both our hands, one on each side. I don’t know why but I always feel less important to her than Jonnie, so I tried once or twice to let go of her hand thinking I should just sneak away she won’t miss me. At the first attempt, she clutched my fingers a bit tighter. At the second and third etc she kept looking up as if to say stop trying to get away, and grabbed my hand. I do my very best for her and I try my very very best to change to be softer and more loving instead of drill sergeant (someone has to be though right? She needs that drive in her?!) and I try to do everything in my power to protect her and be there for her. Sometimes through no fault of hers, I feel less than enough. That night I felt a mutual need.

I really need this little girl to be OK. I need her. She is my everything.

She is perkier today. Didn’t enjoy physio but all in all was lovely to be with. I miss her when I’m not there (only one parent can stay in so we switch) and worry and I’m a bit more relaxed when with her so I end up exhausted from worry and tired non stop.

However, we will get through this as we do everything else-looking for small moments of hope, and lots of smiles from Lauren to keep us going.