There has to be a time of reflection, especially for me. I’ve reflected on the run up to the recent issues with Lauren, and of course asked the ‘could we have done more’ questions. Every parent would. I’ve reflected on what to do from now onwards from the whole experience.

It has given Jonathan and I time to reflect on us and realise how much work we need to do to be stronger as a couple for the next time something like this happens. Unfortunately that could be within the next year of these treatments, who knows. What we do know is that the pressure is too much during those times and we have ended up coming last, which isn’t great for any marriage. So it’s time to put some time and work into that.

When you emerge from such an intense time it naturally comes to mind the people you really and truly can rely on in an emergency, or in a heightened time of emotion. People who will just let you be sad. People who understand that you have to get feelings off your chest and that isn’t always nice for others to hear. It’s a very short time of having to do that though, so those people who tough it out and let you, and just want to be around and don’t shy away from just being there-They are the people you should treat like royalty. They are real friends. They are people who love you beyond just being able to ‘say’ those words. There aren’t a massive amount of those diamonds in my close circle. Randomly it ended up being people sometimes that I hadn’t thought cared about us that much. By that much I mean-you know people care, but you really don’t know how much sometimes. From the last few months, I know who I would have by my side during a war 😉

It makes me reflect on who I am. That’s not always pleasant. I have much work to do.

We as a family have a new resolution to serve others more. We do have some serious concerns here in our family-they are real, regardless of whether people minimise them in their head because we look like we are handling it-these issues will define our lives, or at least how we deal with them will define us and our lives. But we don’t have the biggest problems in the world. Some people who are perhaps lonely will suffer far more than we do, we recognise that we are blessed and especially by having Lauren be our daughter. She’s magical. So we as a family will be kinder and more thoughtful and give back to the world, because it is nicer to focus on other people than it is to dwell on your own issues. So that is what we’ll do. There will be times that that will have to stop for a time when things are tough again, but I feel like a huge fog has finally lifted and it’s time to introduce some more kindness to the world.

It’s strangely made me reflect on what would happen to Lauren should anything happen to Jonathan and I. I’ve thought a couple of different times during her life that I know who would look after her and how it would pan out, but I don’t know. I don’t know who I would trust most to be as meticulous as I am to look after her the best and make decisions that would protect her and put her first and foremost. I have no idea who that is and I guess have some thinking to do.

It feels nice not to be in the pit of despair, it feels refreshing and like a bit of a new beginning. We will continue onwards and upwards and build upon our recent experiences in the hope we can do a better job of it next time round.

April x