I won’t profess that my childhood was amazing and carefree and that I’d like to go back. It was ok, but I don’t want to. But when I was 23 I married Jonnie. It was as carefree as I’d ever be and sometimes (without wishing Lauren away for a second), I wish I could be that young and carefree again.

Do you ever have days where you just wake up and get sad at how some things have turned out. I find it overwhelming some days and I sit and cry. Man alone I miss my brother Kev. So bad sometimes it physically hurts.

I miss Nanna.

I miss my own time. I rarely get it these days and it’s taking its toll.

I miss the times where I didn’t constantly have to be switched on. Thinking about something and everything. What’s next. Gosh I don’t remember what carefree feels like.

I literally just cry it out until I feel like ‘that’s enough for now’. Life is just flipping hard.

I don’t know why today is one of those days. Maybe I’m just burning the candle at both ends and I need to stop and rest a little.

I read a quote recently that said ‘patience is composure during hard times’. I haven’t always had composure during Lauren’s life. I’ve harboured a lot of anger and a general pi££3d off attitude. And that in itself was a hard load to carry. I’ve learned to cry, let it out, and then just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

I do wish life was easier. I can’t deny how much I’ve learned, how much I’ve been given, and how much I now love more than I ever knew I was capable of. Without the hard times I wouldn’t be becoming the person I’m supposed to be. Most days I don’t feel sad. I’m the luckiest girl in the world in my heart. ** shout out to the kindest human I have ever met** Jonathan Birch. I love you Jonathan. I don’t know anyone who could take my fear and help me turn it to faith and strength, like you do. You are quite literally the calm to my storm!

In the picture of Lauren’s baptism here, I go straight to you. You’re forever watching, and loving and I’m so very thankful you are ours.

Lauren is so sensitive to how people feel around her. If you’re sad- she knows it. Her hugs in those moments let me know that we’re all in this together.

As December begins, we as a family are taking on the challenge to #lighttheworld because every person has sad days, fighting through trials. We want to spread some happiness and smiles in a world that can be tough.

If you choose to be anything- choose to be kind (I need to be way kinder than I am!)

A xx