You might start reading this and think it will have a single take on the matter. In our heads there’s about a hundred different perspectives on how we feel about such crappy results. Wyatt has also got Cystic Fibrosis 😦

We never hoped for a second that this would be his path. The odds were in our favour. 1 in 4 still worried us, but the odds were positive. It still took the biggest leap of faith to take that step to have another child. Lauren is hard work, but we both felt this overwhelming need that another child was to join our family. If you believe in God and that there’s a purpose to being here more than just by chance, maybe that makes more sense to you. If you don’t then I’m sure there’s a chance you think we’re nuts! Either way is fine. But for us, this precious little spirit was supposed to come to earth for his journey and be our son. I’m so glad he’s my baby.

That being said- it makes it no easier when you hear the words ‘he’s got it, he’s got CF‘. In fact in some ways it makes it more confusing. I have my own journey to try to come to terms with this and try and find peace. Jonathan has his. And we have a journey together, a journey that takes my breath away with fear at the thought of doing this without Jonathan right next to me. It’s scary. It’s the unknown. It’s devastating on so many levels that tears just fill my eyes sometimes when I don’t even think I’m thinking about it. Holding Wyatt somehow eases that pain. As he held my hand yesterday on the way home from the chiropractor all I could think over and over was how unfair life is, but how much I love this little boy.

A positive… we absolutely know what we’re doing. I believe we have some Heavenly help and that we always have. But Jonathan and I are both experts or as expert as parents can be. Wyatt is in good hands. That won’t stop it being heartbreaking when he’s poorly and I still have to pound his chest to keep his lungs healthy. It never has with Lauren and it will be no different. It won’t stop me spiralling into a depression when he’s in hospital having IV’s. It won’t stop me crying hysterically when we’re told he’s grown something on a cough swab. Knowing that I can handle it doesn’t take away pain and heartbreak. It never has and never will and there are times when I’m so very vulnerable to the world because of all my worries.

Jonathan is similar, he deals with things more like an engineer but he feels those heart aches and this diagnosis has been like a punch in the stomach.

I’m actually bothered about people judging us having him. Part of me is utterly terrified that one day my son might hate me for having him. It’s perhaps my second biggest fear, only second to actually losing children to a horrible condition (if you possibly do think like that and judge us, the best thing to do is delete us on social media and get lost- honestly- life is too short to deal with you).

We’ll have our moments and mostly they’ll be in the quiet times. They’re real and it hurts. Love hurts (Jonnie reminded me that this statement is so true!). You feel the pain of those you love.

There is, however, some amazing advances in medicine that are literally just around the corner. The trials are in stage 3, and from the age of 12 Laurens life could be changed for the better forever! The doctors are confident and so we lay some trust and confidence in them with a teeny bit of excitement.

We are just gutted to the core. There’s nothing anyone can do really. This is our path and journey and I’m hoping I feel more comforted and more peace as time goes on, and even yesterday was sent a lovely talk by a friend; from one of our late church leaders and this quote in particular pulled at every heart string it could…

‘The lord compensates the faithful for every loss….while it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude’ Joseph B Wirthlin.

Right now I know I need to try and live in the moments. Enjoy Wyatt, keep enjoying Lauren, adjust to a manic morning schedule 😂 and try and just love my family with everything I have. Love is the driving force to help me do what I need to and these 3 humans… I love them so much my heart could burst.

Life won’t be what we wanted. Ever. But there is, and always will be a silverlining (his bowels weren’t blocked so no surgery!!), and hope, so I’ll take what I can get and try to keep myself sane whilst on this journey.

Just keep us in your prayers, We’re going to need all the help we can get!!

April (on behalf of April, Jonnie, Lauren & Wyatt) xxxx

#thebirch4