Wyatt was 8 weeks old yesterday. I’m not sure how 8 weeks can seem like an entire lifetime but it really does. It feels like he’s been here forever. I can remember what a quiet house sounded like though so maybe all the screaming just makes time go slower haha!!

Today was his 5th CF appointment. It’s a love hate relationship with the team at the hospital; I love them and the work they do-I also hate seeing them so often.

Today whilst cradling Wyatt to settle him to sleep whilst there I kissed the side of his head and smelled him and in an instant that smell took me right back to holding Lauren in hospital as a small baby the same age and it hit me like a punch in the stomach. Life is not fair. I have no idea how to even try and see any of this as a blessing. He shouldn’t have it. It’s left me on the edge for the rest of the day.

I know we are blessed that he didn’t need surgery. I’m grateful. So it’s not exactly like Lauren’s early days. That smell could have been a physical thud, it felt painful. It’s just not OK with me that he has this. I’m struggling to come to terms with this, if that’s even what I’m supposed to do. It’s still heartbreaking that Lauren has it, so I suppose I’m learning to live with it but perhaps with Wyatt’s results I’m still grieving or something.

This sweet little face is in so much pain and we’re still working with Doctors to figure it all out. He’s has a 2 week course of antibiotics already. He’s on medicine daily already.  He screams so much that I put ear plugs in sometimes just so I don’t go insane. I’m not getting to enjoy this baby stage and I feel so resentful of that because it’s about all I wanted with everything else going on. I’m fairly sick of the saying ‘it won’t last forever’-it won’t-but neither will this small baby stage of his life and before I know it he’ll be turning ten and I’ll be trying to remember and hold on to memories, and the ones I have are just an unhappy screaming baby 80% of the time and no one has a clue why. I’m having a fair few WTF moments.

I feel like Jekyll and Hyde! One minute I want to rip my ears off and the next I’m sat cuddling Wyatt just so grateful for the silence and happy hahaha!! what a flippin roller-coaster. I can’t seem to tame the face of ‘kill me now’ and today at the hospital I realised others notice it because every doctor and person we saw kept asking how I was. For the record-asking that when someone looks like they’re about to cry can really just push them over the edge 😄

No, I’m not but what am I supposed to do about it?!

One day at a time apparently-well I’m living one hour at a time just trying to make sure I’m doing everything I can so that he’s settled and not unhappy. It’s mostly not working. God loves a tryer – so I’ve heard!

I write this whilst I’m sad, and tomorrow I’m hoping I feel marginally better as Jonnie is home and we’re hoping to have some pictures taken of the family-Maybe it’ll be me crying in this family one?!! ha!!!

To all new mum’s out there-it’s ok to feel crap, just say it out loud so others know and sometimes can ease the burden. I feel crap. I’m not OK. And that’s OK. This was never my story when I looked to the future and I’m trying to adjust to it all.

CF happens to be kicking my ass at the minute.

A xx