You can grieve over different things in life. It isn’t always losing someone. And you go through the different stages. I know this because I have felt all of those things where Lauren is concerned. And even added some stages in haha!! Denial, Anger (I sat here for a while), Bargaining, Depression & Acceptance.

I flick back and forth and sometimes don’t know where I’m at.

With Wyatt’s diagnosis for some reason I seemed to have convinced myself I wouldn’t feel as devastated or hurt. I have no idea why I thought that. It’s every bit as upsetting and hard and I am somewhere between anger and depression. I am also in a place of love though- it all comes from loving him.

A couple of weeks ago a friend had said she’d do some photos for us, and so when Wyatt was 8 weeks old during Laurens half term we booked a day where we could go get some pictures taken at a local park. In my head I knew what I wanted each of us to wear and where the pictures were to be taken and all I’d hoped for was a glimmer of something happy during a pretty rough time for us. I’m sure many of you can resonate!

The morning arrived and we all leisurely got ready. And it came to dressing Lauren. I’d left some of her jeans that fit her but don’t make her look too skinny on the living room floor (safe and sound as Jonnie rarely moves clothes from the floor 😂) all ready so I could get her dressed. I tell Jonnie this and he says- oh I put them in the wash. At this point I think the world has come to an end. I told him off, I looked for other jeans but none fit that description of not making her look too skinny (interpret this for ‘ill’) and I couldn’t find any. I began to have a breakdown. I’d already put mascara on so this wasn’t good.

At the low point of being upset over some jeans, I began to start thinking that all I wanted was something to focus my energy on when times got tough, a picture to look at and think that’s it right there- my reason. Why couldn’t I just have this one thing that I could hold on to. From there it led to crying that Wyatt had cystic fibrosis and would face uncertain times and that’s not fair. That led to why on earth did Heavenly Father think I could cope with this. It soon became an uncontrollable cry because I just don’t think I can handle it all. This was all in about ten minutes!!

Jonathan came up to me asking what he could do and then before we knew it he was crying and we were embracing each other with wet faces, snotty noses, I had a black mascara streaky ridden face that did not look good for pictures soon to be taken.

And we cried and cried and cried.

I think that we often say we’re cross with something or angry and it’s often a mask for something much deeper. We may say that a particular situation doesn’t affect us or hurt or we’re not bothered. I know I’m trying to be so much more honest with and about myself- more than I even require of others, because anger is too easy to use but only in the short term. It’s a mask. It’s a shield. It has and still can be a defence mechanism.

If we don’t let it out it can bottle up until let’s be honest- you won’t be able to find the right pair of jeans and you’ll have a breakdown and you may decide you need a straight jacket- because let’s be frank- it’s just perhaps the wrong pair of jeans!! No malice in the reason why, no one trying to make life harder. But it is because It will just be an outlet for what’s really going on. Dig deep- deal with things and my advice is cry it out. It’s refreshing. And it’s good for your mental health.

The results of the day?? Here are just a couple. I think they depict us perfectly 😉😘

Apes xx