It just takes over and swallows me up some days. Anxiety and panic and total fear. Fear is my nemesis. If I let my mind get away with itself I become afraid of everything. It consumes me. It’s like a black hole and I just can’t seem to see outside of it.

Jonnie was away for a few days with work and it was my first time with the children on my own. The first day was ok and the night time was not as horrific as I’d imagined. The next day went ok. I even got a little nap in with Wyatt (unheard of). Mum came to help with tea. And then Lauren threw up and had one of her episodes where it seemed like everything inside of her digestive system came out. They have thought for a few months that she suffers from overload. It’s scary and she goes drip white. But once it’s out- she’s fine again. My head visits all sorts of dark places and I think the worst.

Wyatt on the other hand has been off his food and everything in his system slows down and he’s not pooing enough at all. My head goes to even more dark places. And it always lands in a lonely terrifying abyss where I lose both kids and have nothing left to live for.

If you add a night and day of no sleep on top of that then I also end up questioning every life choice I’ve ever made. What’s the point. What’s the point in work. What the point in trying to be happy regardless of our situation. What is the point of anything. I end up thinking there is none because it’s never going to get better.

I of course know the answers. And at some point my head will get back there. But when my children are unwell then my heart is heavy. Hoping the doctors can help in some way to ease my mind.

Anxiety is real. Panic attacks are real. And a situational depression is real. I’m hoping I can find the light, hold on to the hope and continue in faith for the next little while at least.

(His face sums up my feelings so well!!)

Life is a rollercoaster. I don’t like rollercoasters.

A xx