In March time I find myself reflecting on motherhood because in my time hop all all my Mother’s Day posts pop up and I get to read how I’ve put into words my love and feelings towards Lauren (this is Wyatt’s first).

Two years ago in March Lauren was hospitalised again (she went in in the Dec) and so I have some of the hardest memories to reflect on too. It makes me feel quite scared and vulnerable and so acutely aware of how mortal we are.

My most vivid memories of two years ago are that she was so sick we needed something drastic to happen to help her. I remember a Doctor explaining what mycobacterium abscesses was. I remember going to a very very dark place in my head very quickly. But the most pain I’ve ever felt in my life brought me to my knees one night. I’d had to leave that night as only one parent can stay, and I got home by myself late that night. It was dark and cold and I felt so completely alone like I’ve never felt before. I was convinced I was going to lose my most precious little Lauren. I remember getting to my knees and begging with every bit of my soul that Heavenly Father wouldn’t take her. I had never cried like that before where my whole entire body just hurt from emotional pain. I so needed that to not be her story. I needed her. And we needed a miracle.,

It didn’t happen over night for me but I slowly found a glimmer of hope again. I let that glimmer of hope become something I held on to. Hope is NEVER stupid. It kept me going. Through some things that happened and words said, I began to have faith that she would stay and conquer this massive trial and very real danger.

2 years on and she’s stronger than ever. We have no date for the tests yet but I’m hopeful they’ll be clear this time round.

Motherhood changed me. But more importantly, motherhood keeps on changing me. It keeps pushing me beyond my capacity to love so that I learn to love more.

It’s scary, and heartbreaking, and the most gut wrenchingly painful journey ever; it’s also the most beautiful, the most challenging, the most rewarding thing in my life and I would always choose Wyatt and Lauren over and over and over again (in hind sight I would have ordered a more sleepy, less screamy Wyatt though 😉) with all the pain and heart ache and challenges- because they are by far the best thing in my (& Jonathan’s) life. Please feel free to perhaps wish you could help, or be helpful- but please don’t feel sorry for us. Look at these 2 beautiful souls. I get to call them mine 💜💚

Happy Mother’s Day to the beautiful humans I know striving to do their best. Xx