I listened to a little speech recently by an incredible woman Jill Thomas who lives with the loss of a child. My heart seriously breaks when I see a little bit of people’s journey where this has happened. Whilst talking she explains something that she came to find and understand and realise along her path. I probably don’t do it justice!(apologies) This is what I gained from it.

I can’t explain it the way she does but I resonated so much.

When we live in our happy- not yet knowing loss/trauma/difficulties/tragedy state etc we live in a ‘blue’ coloured world. Everything is blue, it’s pleasant, it’s happy, it’s normal and comfortable and we like it.

When those things come into our lives we’re thrown into a world of yellow. It is hard, it’s totally and completely different, it’s painful, it’s sad, it’s depressing and we don’t want to be there.

So we try to get back to blue. But when we get there it’s not what it used to be, so we think we’re stuck in yellow and it’s scary and we can end up in conflict inside ourselves.

Her point at the end of this beautiful talk/speech is that there is actually now a whole new colour. It’s green. It is sad sometimes, it is happy sometimes. It’s hard, it’s heartbreakingly painful, it’s also so beautiful and has some happy things there and it’s all together. Mixed into this beautiful new colour green.

Conflict within our hearts is so hard to deal with. I’ve ended up thinking I’m crazy because I care about people who have hurt me. I’m sad. But I also love.

I find myself so immersed in love with my beautiful family and a husband I would choose every single time, yet so sad and broken that we deal with what we do. I do not know some days how I’m going to feel, but I’m a complicated mixture of all my life’s challenges and all my joy and so I will feel all those things. I will allow myself to without judging myself.

I think I’ve felt for so long that I need to conquer my life’s challenges. And I mean- what does that even mean!?! I have no Flippin idea haha! What a waste of brain and heart.

I have to learn to LIVE my life’s challenges. I have to learn to live in each day. Not love each day because I don’t. But live. Experience what is in front of me and let myself freely feel whatever it is I need to feel from both different sides of the green.

I needed to hear that woman speak because I have felt stuck in sadness wanting some sort of normality in life. I’m not getting it- at least not often. THAT’S OK!! I don’t think I need it. I just need here- now- and to soak up my life.

I have so much love in my life. I have so much sadness. I have so much light to give. And I definitely have a listening ear for when things are tough. It’s just ok- right here and right now to live in this kind of conflicted state and to feel it all the way.

I feel like this way of looking at life has started to open up some possibilities for me. It’s crazy how our thoughts can govern us so much without us actively choosing.

Be kind to yourself, and find someone to talk to if you need it 💛 but start living in all of your good bad and ok times.

April xxxx