My Wyatt, when you turned 1!

A whole year with this handsome little one. I’ve had some seriously up and down moments. It’s been hard. The truth is this past year I’ve spent a long time of it grieving. On reflection, I’m the first to say that I’ve spent too long in this place. A grief so hard that it catches me at the most inappropriate moments and makes me cry and my heart hurt so much. I remember 1 year ago with a wish so bad that my little precious new baby would not have cystic fibrosis like his sister. The kind of crying where it physically hurts because for a brief moment you wish you could still change reality. It hurts. As much now as it did then.

For a while I thought that my lack of faith was the reason he had to have it. Crazy right? I’ve hated myself. I’ve gotten angry, I’ve been depressed, I’ve been so stuck in a sad place because I wish I understood it all. it hasn’t been pleasant and sometimes neither have I!

I’m so thankful that over this time I’ve been sent some angelic reminders that life isn’t supposed to go as planned or perfect as we think. How would we grow and learn and change? Without the greatest sadnesses we feel how could we feel the total opposite of complete love and joy?

Someone sent me a talk recently, a little answer to my prayers and some questions that I’ve been stuck on for some time. The talk is called ‘Thy troubles to bless’ (Jeffrey S. McClellan).

There is too much in it to pick a quote, but over the last few months I’ve tried to remember that what I believe is still the same in the hard times and the joyous times.

This talk talks through a lot of my pains as a mother and articulates answers to questions I’ve been pondering. Isn’t it a lovely thing when others can help us without really knowing to what extent!?!

I’ve been reminded that I am loved, and that I have faith because of what I’ve felt and learned. That doesn’t disappear because we have struggles. It’s what helps me not feel so much pain when going through hard times.

We’ve been so very blessed this past year. Yes Wyatt has not loved sleep like his genetic predisposition should have coded him to (we ALL LOVE sleep here!) but his health has been stable with some minor tummy issues in the grand scheme of things. We have worried and worried some more on occasion but he has conquered the couple of minor illnesses that have appeared. He has developed into the most confident assured and beautiful little boy that he is. He progressed quickly to crawling and walking which was such a great blessing to me. I needed that small Silver lining.

I love this stage of his life. I just about survived the first year, largely struggling because of my own demons, only slightly because of the lack of sleep he gave us! I’m so ready to keep enjoying this stage and getting to know him better. To learn who he is and keep growing with him.

I’ve learned many things over the last 12 months. I’m sure I haven’t stopped learning. Mostly and above all I’m learning to love here and now and try to worry only when things really need me to.

Who knew I needed this handsome little devil as much as I needed his sister. A great healing can come to the soul through children and what we learn as we love them. It’s painful but it’s more beautiful. I love him more than words could ever say. He knows I’m there when he needs me, I’m his confidence as is Jonnie. I hope he truly knows that through the dark days as well as the best days that we’re right here cheering him on to conquer the storms of life and be his best self.