I’ve been thinking a lot lately about a particular time in Lauren’s life that I can only describe as what I thought was the ‘beginning of the end’. She’d been unwell for the 6 months previous and no intervention was working.

We ended up hospitalised in the March 2017 and Lauren was a very small frail 9 year old. They did a bronchoscope to see what they could find. And after they had done it I remember Dr Lee walking me down a corridor to show me the results on a screen. I couldn’t speak because I knew by his tone that he didn’t have high hopes for this situation.

Scarring. And masses of infection. His words were, ‘her lungs were riddled with infection’. When he left I hugged Lauren so tight and immediately started to think about how I could possibly live without her. I couldn’t. I wouldn’t know how.

Just a day or so later Dr Lee entered Lauren’s room again but this time he was gowned and gloved up and gave me the bad news that one of the infections is quite horrible. They actually moved the girl in the room next door, even though CF patients are already isolated. She was too ill and if she caught what Lauren had I think they thought it would kill her.

Every time he gave me worse news Jonnie wasn’t with me.

And when Jonnie did come back to hospital we fell out as tensions were high and you don’t get privacy to deal with all of this really in a hospital.

I returned home one evening convinced Lauren wouldn’t be with us much longer. I cried the whole way home. I felt the physical pain as much as my heart could hurt. I knelt on my living room floor crying and pleading with God not to take her. I felt no better afterwards and cried myself to sleep.

We get to try some new drugs this Dec for Lauren. We’ll know after a year or so of handling it well that she will be on it long term. It could change her life for the better drastically. She is already so much healthier and stronger than she was 4 years ago when she took that turn for the worse.

You know, sometimes against the odds, God is good and we’re blessed when we think there is no way it could get better. And sometimes when we don’t know why things are as they are it feels like no one is listening to those prayers. What I have learned is that we are each on our own journey here on earth despite who is around us. No matter how dark my days have been and no matter whether that outlook changed quickly, I found comfort in knowing someone listens when we pray. Miracles can happen. Even when others are sceptical. We met a pulmonologist and told him of Lauren’s challenges and his face said everything. He didn’t think we could do anything for her. I wish he could see her now. Blessings that are promised are given.

She is here, continuing her journey, and she is a little miracle.

I desperately try around Christmas time (actually-all year) to spread a little extra joy. People need to feel love and hope. If I can help just one person feel that, I will feel like I’ve done something good in the world.

Strange Christmas related blog, but find someone to be kind to. No matter how bad you may feel. It lifts people both sides of the service.

Merry Christmas,

April xx