Author: April Birch

The more I have been thinking about this post the more I have thought, I wonder if most people think like this?

It has weighed heavily on my mind and heart over several months (most likely for years rather than months), more heavily than ever before how I don’t feel like I fit in anywhere fully.

I joined a facebook CF parents group, and for the most part my questions can be answered, but for everyone asking questions about children they have around the same age as Lauren I find myself not being able to relate as often as I would have thought, but because of her disabilities, it means she’s more often than not different to them so not on the same level, but some babies/toddlers I could answer questions for. Yet, because she’s bigger than them, I don’t in case any flippant remarks are made that could upset me without them knowing the situation.

I can talk to parents of children with special needs, and we have some things in common but not all of them are disabled too, and I haven’t come across a parent yet that has the same combination of issues Lauren has.

I am mum to a 7 yr old, who is more like late toddler in age, temper of a 7yr old going on teenager, but happy and innocent as a baby and still at the same toileting as a toddler. Her illness makes everything complicated, and I mean everything, and nobody understands it. Nobody can. It makes me cry sometimes thinking how alone I am. It has got me so down in the past that I isolate myself from everyone.

Until recently. I’ve decided that it is kind of awesome that I get to meet so many different people. I am going to interact and share stories as much as possible even though ours may be complicated, because lets face it, who likes a ‘wo is me’ kind of character haha!

On a serious note though, I’m turning this one around. It’s hard enough thinking I don’t fit in. It’s hard enough just in life. I now feel like I am privileged to be able to be across so many groups/classifications with Lauren. This means she’ll get to interact and make a few more people smile, she’ll be able to brighten up more people’s days. And you never know, along the way I may just be able to help someone just because we’ve been a part of so many different groups/categories and I might be able to help them fell less alone.

This is me; April, mum to Lauren, wife to jonnie, book keeper, former gym instructor, 34 years old, trying to stay active, well, overcome a myriad of challenges thrown my way recently, trying to change to be kinder, a better wife and mother, Oils loving, chocolate devotee, religious, PA to a complicated chronically ill, disabled and special needs beautiful amazing girl, confident for the most part, honest in all, loyal friend trying to fit in yet realising I don’t actually want to fit in to just one place. That’s restricting and I’m becoming more and more glad that this little girl has changed my life.

Something that has been on the forefront of my mind lately through some memories and some personal experiences is children should be allowed to be children.

Too often adults, especially parents convey their adult feelings and conversations upon children and treat them as if they’re emotionally and mentally older and more capable than they are. It is so unfair. It can emotionally damage children.

If I have fallen out with say a family member, Lauren is NOT told to not to say hello, or told they are bad. It’s not Lauren’s problem. She can embrace them as much as she likes.

As a child, my mind should have been allowed to grow up in a more innocent world. Less knowledge of what one parent thought towards the other for example. Less knowledge of ‘gossip’ about other people so that I always knew things I shouldn’t. It isn’t right.

As a child, you should be allowed to make your own mind up about the world, with guidance of course. And being safeguarded, but I mean against dangerous people. But still protecting you from as much as possible within such situations.

Who would want to shatter innocence and happiness of a child just so you have another ‘person’ on your team. Its so wrong, on so many levels. Children should be allowed to be children.

Rant over.

P.s. No apologies for my opinions. Ever. 😉

So I was excited for 2016. After all it IS another year right, and all is well *touch wood* with Lauren. So I’m happy. We knew Jonathan had a small operation booked in in January, and I thought I’d prepared myself to look after two patients (Lauren is always my patient). I could not possibly have prepared myself!! haha

Who knew men could actually be so vulnerable? (yes-feel free to read pathetic here). The operation didn’t go as smoothly as we’d hoped and he had side affects, which left him feeling rather sorry for himself indeed. Practically-I could run round like a headless chicken. The last three weeks of January saw this almost every day. I picked up all the slack. I was tired. Run down. However, I did what any person would and doted on him, and Lauren. But I totally reached my limit with the emotional support he suddenly needed. How mean am I! But I couldn’t take it anymore, I mean-he didn’t have cancer, or Cystic Fibrosis, he just had a minor set back. That’s it. No broken bones. He could eat and drink. He didn’t need medication for the most part. Taking on board what I deal with every day with Lauren, this situation ran my patience dry. I don’t know if I’m slightly embarrassed to say at one point I told him he wasn’t dying so lets stop moping about, or if I’m proud to say that in my life, and those around me, we just get on with stuff because that’s what we’re made of.

Life hands you all kinds of lemons. If you don’t go make lemonade, you’re just sour. And I’m sick and tired of being around sour. I became sour. And I’m done!

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean Jonnie on a regular basis at all, this all came as a bit of a shock to him and I did give him a little sympathy. But by the time he was to return to work I couldn’t wait for him to get out and get back to routine! My body had had enough of running around. I’m only mother to one for a reason! haha!

These things that get thrown at us big and small, are unsuspected most of the time, but I’m learning more and more, to get on with it, wallowing doesn’t get you anywhere. Have a cry, a bit of a whinge if needed, but inevitably life will go on, so pick up and move on with a smile, and some lemonade ;-D

2015 was a very interesting year for me and I’m thankful for the lessons learned within it. I am still learning lots and don’t think all my teaching moments are done, not by a long shot. I feel closer to Jonathan and Lauren. I feel more content within myself. But most of all I feel more ‘free’ than I ever have.

I have had people either suddenly or gradually not be part of my life anymore. I have had people not like me a lot for something I’ve said, or not said. I’ve struggled really hard to accept other people’s decisions in life, and continue to struggle with things like that, from throughout my life. I have a head full of emotions and thoughts, of which I had never understood until now. And somehow all of those things have helped me feel more free than ever.

They have helped confirm thoughts of mine that have always been there, thoughts I intend to try and live by more fully than ever in 2016;

You can’t control other people. Other people can’t control you. Loyalty although a great quality can be so gravely misplaced. The power of discernment is truly a gift. Always trust your gut feeling, there’s no smoke without fire. Always protect those you love, and trust those you know. Sometimes removing people from your life is a necessity. Sometimes letting others remove you can be a blessing. Being strong doesn’t mean you don’t feel. It simply means you feel-but you always stay true to your beliefs and morals and yourself. No one is perfect. Forgiveness is as complicated as a spaghetti junction. Life is not certain. Life is short even if someone is ‘old’ when they die. Put more time and effort into those you do love, and by love I don’t mean a feeling. Love is a doing word.

It’s how you show people, not tell people, that you truly love them. Support your family and friends EVEN and WHEN it is uncomfortable. Some situations ARE NOT ABOUT YOU!!!!!! (yes, I am even talking to myself there and learned that lesson mostly this year). But I also mean you. Look out of your own situation and support and help someone who is dealing with something hard. Not necessarily worse than you, problems are all relative. Think before you speak-sometimes you’ll still need to say it, but perhaps more kindly. Hope. Hope because it doesn’t hurt, but alleviates pain. There is no foolishness in hope. No one has the right to try and shatter that hope. No one has the right to tell you your beliefs are stupid. Hope and believe on because you can. Be kind. Smile. Hug (ok only sometimes 😉 ). And Lets go into 2016 judging less, and concentrating on how to be better, more honest, more upright, and people that will spread goodness around them.

Jonathan, Lauren and I truly wish you all a very Happy new year. My hope is that you have a healthy one. Happiness is your own making, regardless of what comes your way, I hope you have a life filled with it. And if God willing, may it be prosperous for you all.

All our love

The Birch’s.

After my last post in which I mentioned how worried I was that a hospital stay was inevitable, we did indeed end up in Hospital. Lauren was diagnosed with a bug called Aspergillus. A fungal lung infection. It explained her cough for the previous couple of months. But to get to that diagnosis we ended up in hospital on IV antibiotics because of her persistent cough that just wouldn’t go away.

We did a week in hospital. It was rough. And if I could take the emotion of reliving it I would tell you all about it but I really need to have let that go so I won’t go back.

It was educational though, Jonnie and I learned how to do home IV’s. So the second week we were at home and doing lauren’s IV’s ourselves. It was tiring but we did love being able to be in control. And in future, home IV’s is the way to go!

This did’t get rid of her cough though. This left us anxious, but at the end of her treatment the docs got a full set of bloods, and within them, found that she had this fungal infection.

So in the end it all worked out how it should. She was diagnosed and put on the right treatment for it, and now in December she is almost rid of this cough that stuck around for literally months!

My worrying isn’t irrational. Mostly it’s because I know the reality oh so well.

I am now a little more protective! Imagine that!

Whilst on holiday recently and the most of the holiday around other people I found myself feeling quite lonely. The other kids were able, and I watched Jonnie and Lauren’s Uncle Doug carry her around so she could join in, it was a busy but fun holiday. I found myself just more and more aware of our rigid routine and schedule and Lauren’s things she needed. More aware of her inabilities, that I really don’t like to focus on. I focus on her achievements and such. I found this holiday hard.

On the second to last day, exhausted and having a lot on my mind, we were in a place called Aberystwyth. There were castle ruins here and a park. WHilst playing in the ruins and enjoying the fresh air, the other kids ran around and Lauren was able to join in a bit of it, we practised some walking with her on a flat bit. As we were doing this in the corner of my eye I could see a lady looking over and smiling. Next to her was a boy in a wheelchair.

We did a little more playing, but then Lauren saw him. I asked if we should go say hello and she responded Yeah! So we walked over and was met by a lovely mum and son. I didn’t get her name. I don’t recall his name if we got it. But we said Hi, Lauren hugged him haha! Poor boy! He looked a bit older than Lauren.

She praised Lauren for her walking and we chatted about the lovely wheelchair the boy was in. She gave me some info I asked about. We chatted about piedro boots. She wasn’t afraid to notice these things. There were no boundaries. She was lovely. We didn’t exchange what was ‘wrong’ with our children. There was however a mutual likeness for one another and the short conversation completely lifted me.

For a very short time I felt like it was my territory. I felt elevated. We said good bye and continued with our day. But that mum made our day.

I’m so glad I have no boundaries now and can speak to anyone. Lauren has given me that. What a lovely gift.

xxx

Long title but I really don’t want to do a generic ‘What it feels like being a special needs parent’. I don’t know how others feel. We probably have some fundamental feelings the same, but each child is so different, and mine is extremely complex with having Cystic Fibrosis too, that I don’t want to speak for others or have them speak for me.

It might come as a shock to some, but it’s a very lonely world. Regardless of the numerous appointments and busy schedule for Lauren it isn’t filled with lots of people who just want to listen. Even family and friends. I could count on half a hand those who actually just want to listen to understand. People listen to offer suggestions, or give praise (I don’t mind this bit so much-hell we deserve a little bit!) or people listen to want to then talk and tell me how others just don’t get it or didn’t mean to be mean or don’t mean to dismiss. I get so sick of those things. Logically and in my head I know most people don’t mean to be ignorant or dismissive to Lauren or us, or thoughtless when functions can’t include Lauren. I get that bit. But I would love people to listen to really hear me and know exactly how those things make me feel. It’s mostly not anger, it’s pain.

It breaks my heart that my child has no friends her age. Why people don’t want to know what she’s laughing at or frustrated at, or what she’s trying to ask them. She’s practically never without an adult next to her for her safeguarding, so they could easily be asked what she’s trying to say. This rarely happens. Don’t get me wrong-she can let people know most of the time and I naturally help other times.

It leaves me completely gutted when activities are going ahead, and my child just can’t do them or be involved. It is really hard when she can’t join in with other children because it reminds us all she can’t walk, and she can’t talk.

I don’t for a second expect everyone I know not to take children to do those activities that Lauren can’t, or to try and do something else instead of, so that Lauren can be a part of it. Sometimes we just have to not go. I get it. But each single time, it’s like a punch in the stomach because I know she’d love so much to be able to go, say to the farms with others, but because of her CF hay presents a real danger that I’m not willing to risk. Do I think none of those children around us should go? Not at all. I just have to deal with it. Do I want to know all about it from the adults that have gone? No. Not even a little bit because you may as well just punch me in my stomach again. That pain is easier. This of course doesn’t only mean farm visits. There’s plenty of instances of which I won’t bore you.

I really do find it ridiculous of how much I cannot relate that often to parents with children who are typical. You would think I could!! (my shortfall I’m sure). When parents of new borns, even friends, start talking about this developmental stage or that time their baby started sleeping through. When Dad’s time off has finished and it’s now just mum and baby. When the child is climbing out of the cot, or when potty training begins. I don’t know how to react or reply. I didn’t have some of those milestones, and I am certainly waiting for some (We’ve had different ones, and the joy is immense). Jonathan’s time off was in a hospital, not rearranging Lauren’s room for her to come home to. We didn’t get a second to breathe or enjoy those things. My baby was in hospital still when yours is learning to sleep through, and she was traumatised until mum returned each day to hold her. I didn’t get her home till 8 weeks old. I was told at 2 weeks she had CF, 7 weeks she had visual problems and 4 months she’s special needs. On top of that I don’t get to see her learning to sit when she should or feed herself (she’s doing this now-but still toddler age type stage). When you’re changing your baby-I get that, because I’m still changing my nearly 7 year old. I wish we could talk about other stuff instead-most of the time. And I wish I’d be allowed the time to ask about the things I do want to know about. Through no one’s fault, when I hear all those new things it hurts to be reminded that even though I didn’t do a single thing wrong, our experiences are worlds apart and my child didn’t get the life I intended her to get.

I do want to know some stuff though. Of course I do.

It’s especially hard for me as Lauren is 90% non verbal communicator when I constantly hear about the funny things kids have said. I literally cannot offer anything to that conversation. And mean or not, I don’t like to be parts of those conversations. One on one tends to be easier, but group ones, get me out of there. All it is doing is reminding me my child is trapped, she is so desperate to talk. It eats away at me that I may never have those things to add to that kind of conversation, and this is largely because it reminds me and hurts me that she can’t talk. She can say mummy. She can say yeah. And she can say Abbie. I won’t take those things away from her.

It is hard that Lauren doesn’t have friends her own age. She has a lot of people that love and cherish her, but mostly adult people. Children ignore her, don’t want to cuddle her, don’t want to sit and play with her, don’t want her to muscle her way in to be part of what they’re doing. Children naturally gravitate towards each other, and silently Lauren is left watching. The most painful bit here is me seeing her face when she is now beginning to realise that she is left out and ignored. Sure-this doesn’t happen 100% of the time, but is beginning to happen more and more and I’m recognising this more and more. This rips into me so bad. When does she get friends? When does she get people that will sacrifice running and playing for sitting and walking slowly and playing. Maybe never. So I take action and keep her away from those children I deem as being mean to her. It’s the only way I know how to protect her.

I must interject that Lauren does have some people who are kind with her and like to talk to her, since Lauren has started school there are a handful of children especially (the school assure me everyone at school is kind to Lauren), But this is mostly when she is at school. Luckily one such girl is a bit older, and so I feel I can have her and her sister over to my house because other than being there to make sure everyone is safe, I don’t feel like a babysitter, because on top of Lauren, looking after other children as well is very hard work. Hats off to those girls and especially the older one, I think she is a gem.

When I get a break from Lauren-I feel guilty. I have learned to suppress that feeling because I know deep down it is doing us both the world of good but I do still feel guilty. I do however, always feel refreshed, and once I get into the swing of it I really enjoy not having to think about things constantly. I enjoy my own time. However guilt does set in and then my mind wanders and I often think of Lauren and the life we have and start feeling guilty that surely all of this is my fault. I know that it isn’t but naturally we want to blame someone in these situations, I blame myself.

I feel like my schedule is one day going to be the death of me. I live out of my diary. I have forgotten about 3 appointments in 6 1/2 years. Not bad!

I am always planning things, we do spend a bit more on Lauren for things of convenience to save my mind some effort and us some time. For example, I will shop in one place usually for her clothes. It’s easy. So I’m doing it. We do spend a bit more on trips away and holidays, but I want Lauren to enjoy what time she does have and what she can because I really do not know how long she will be here (fingers crossed it will be longer than me). I’ll be damned if I save everything and regret it later. So I don’t. I have someone help clean my house, because we can. I’m so very blessed that Jonnie has a good job and it’s in no way bragging. This saves me time, and again effort, and lets me concentrate on Lauren. I take a lot of pictures. I hate to say it but it’s so if the worst was to happen I can always have her life with me and remember so much. I never ever want to have this happen, but I would hate myself if I didn’t prepare. (I feel slightly sick writing that)

I worry so much every single day. I can’t not think about Lauren when she’s at school. Wondering if she’s having a good day. She can’t tell me so I rely heavily on her teachers to tell me what she’s done. This is a lot of trust. It’s trust that they have gained. But my worry is still there. My phone is glued to me. And if school call my heart jumps a beat…has she been sick? Had an accident? Someone been horrible? Mostly it’s to ask to remember more snacks or baby wipes etc but I panic nonetheless. I don’t relax until she’s home again with me.

I’m angry, life isn’t fair. That pretty much covers that bit!!!!

I’m exhausted.

I’m full of information and I know a lot, and I know my child best.

Currently Lauren has a cough that won’t go away, and my mind runs wild. In my head we’ll be going into hospital for IV’s, she’ll miss the start of school, she’ll lose weight and etc etc….you can see how it goes right? No fun. I try control it but there’s just never a break.

I feel so grateful that we get a tiny bit of respite each week and sooooooo relaxed as they are two people we know and trust explicitly. I feel like myself again when I can go for a run or do a bit of child free shopping. Or heaven forbid we book it so Jonnie and I get a bit of time together. I feel a bit normal for a short time. It’s wonderful. But I do also wish I had more. I should stop being greedy!

I feel like I should never put on people even a little bit because I don’t want family and friends to think all I ever want is for them to babysit. So I use those times that I do ask very wisely. I rarely ask and some people who I would trust completely I have never asked. I don’t want to be that mum. Plus I do want a lot of time with Lauren.

I feel like I don’t just want awareness, I don’t care if you know what genetic mutation Lauren has to cause the brain abnormalities. I don’t care if you know a bit or a lot about CF. I would however love a bit of understanding. A little bit of extra kindness from you, and any offspring you happen to have, and the extra mile to interact with Lauren, I would love for Lauren to see a difference in how those around her interact with her. I try my best to never make anyone feel stupid and if Lauren can’t do something or have a treat or join in, I try to explain why because I know my brain is a bucket full of information that only mum and dad should have to know. But please don’t dismiss me as an overprotective parent. I am her advocate and safe guard at the minute and will always do what’s best for her.

Lastly, I feel very grateful to Lauren who has taught me so much and continues to do so. She holds no grudges, see’s no malice in people. She just loves and wants love back. She is just adorable. She can be a monkey and trust me when I say she most definitely has discipline in her life. I don’t want a brat just because she’s special needs. But she seems to be learning so much so quickly. I am amazed by her and she is my inspiration that even when the going gets tough give someone a smile and make their day.

The mixture of emotions I have leaves me completely confused sometimes, so I’m trying to focus on the good. That’s what Lauren does.

Who couldn’t love that face!!!!! 🙂 🙂

About 8 months ago I was introduced to a new ish brand of essential oils (E-mail if you’d like to know which!). I quickly became obsessed. I quickly became so interested that I wanted to share! Why?! Let me tell you 🙂

I can’t take Lauren off her medication. It would harm her. So when she gets ‘normal’ illnesses, I pump her full of MORE medications. I’m sick of it. So I tried some oils. I quickly started to see how they helped her. They don’t stop her getting illnesses. With the amount of antibioics going into her stripping her guts of the good as well as bad bacteria’s, she picks up a lot of stuff. But these oils have helped her little body have what it needs to help heal quicker, not get as sick, and manage things like her allergies, without having to use many other medications.

For example, when she gets a heavy cold. The flublend (oregano, protective blend, lemon and melaleuca) has helped her body fight it off very quickly compared to before when we didn’t use them. The protective blend helps her body not need to vomit during these colds. It’s happened too often for it to be coincidence. They are just giving her body extra help so it can be a bit stronger at fighting things off.

As I’ve witnessed other people’s travel sickness/ allergies/ headaches/ muscle aches all being helped with these oils, I’ve decided to learn more and actually teach people about them. The brand itself is a new standard of essential oil. They can and do help people. There is a lot of research out there about them, but for me the proof is in the pudding. There are sceptics out there, and the oils aren’t for them. That’s fine. There are also sceptics about modern medicine, and they refuse to use them. That’s fine too.

For our family, we are getting the best of both worlds. And for me, I get a new adventure teaching people about them and seeing how they can help, without having to pump our bodies full of tablets and medicine. I haven’t taken a pain tablet since being introduced to these oils, and I’m hoping it can stay that way!

Loving my new adventure!!

I had a few different issues over a time, and they became bigger in my head than needs be. I dealt with the issues, but slowly they ate away at my spirit and I became dull. Tired. Irritated more than usual. I felt like my brain was just giving up. I was depressed. I was so very low, but I had to keep going for Lauren. Last year I decided I needed some help, before my family became a broken home.

I went through the process of Doctors, sent to the mental health team, and was assessed and was finally given an appointment. I met a lovely lady. I thought she was nice, bubbly, but after 3 visits with her I was ready to stop seeing her. This Cognitive Behavioural Therapy was not working for me. I just felt like I was having a bitching session each time I saw her. I was fed up and disappointed because I was really trying here to change some things!

So I had the Christmas break, and had the next appointment booked. But I was going to turn up and tell her that I didn’t think it was working and I wanted to stop with it.

Something interesting happened here…I got a phone call from a guy who worked in the same place, and he told me my therapist was sick, and they didn’t know when she’d be back. I could wait, or I could go see him and he was happy to finish my sessions off.

This was fate. He actually had a personality that could influence mine. I didn’t recognise it straight away. But I did recognise that I went away with goals, with a feeling that I will give this a try. I trusted him. I don’t trust many people!

Over the next few months we became ‘friends’ as loosely as that term can be used with therapist/patient relationship. He bumped the treatment up to the next level to cognitive re structure as well as CBT. 6 Months after starting to see him, I have finished seeing him.

I learnt to make SMART goals, to look forward to dating Jonathan again, to look forward to and plan in my own time separate from everyone else, to not expect things from anyone, to concentrate solely on my thinking. To write my thinking down and see how negative things can more often than not be changed to a positive. I only heard him say once, in response to a negative situation I brought up. ‘Yeah, I’ve got nothing’. Haha

I learnt to realise I’m surrounded by idiots, and because of that, not be so angered by said idiots doing idiotic things. To concentrate on my little family, Jonathan, Lauren and I. The rest comes next.

I learnt that it’s OK to cry, to show how hurt I am, to decide which things in life I ‘have’ to deal with and which things I can choose to deal with upfront, or passively. I am in control of me.

I have found things difficult, because I do not do change very well. I was in a low, bad place.

But I have come out on top. My sleeping is better. My relationship is better. My mothering skills are better albeit have some way to go.

When I went to my last session on Friday, it took half the time a normal one did, and he came to the end, by saying ‘I’ve got nothing else for you’. It was bitter sweet. He was funny. Annoyingly positive. All round great guy. I will miss him in a weird way. But I have done what I needed to do and got the tools I need to keep going forward and being in control but not a control freak, and I am happy again. I have found a new lease of life. Not riddled with fear. Or negativity. I owe this very awesome guy a lot.

But I do take credit for implementing these things into my life and doing what I had to, to make us happy again. I’m not ashamed that I’ve had mental health problems. I call myself nuts in jest, but actually having issues where you just can’t help yourself and feel stuck, is no joke. I’m glad the system helped me, and I’m glad divine intervention gave me the right person to help me properly. What a guy.

Here goes to the next chapter in life 🙂

My Nanna died on Saturday 9th May 2015. at 7.08pm. It was a sad sad day.

It wasn’t under the best of circumstances, she had been sucked into something by other people and it just left her in a bad place. It wasn’t nice. She’d moved away from her home of all her life, last year on my birthday. I’d said she would die within a year because she wouldn’t be looked after properly. I really believe that is what happened. I have to let it go at some point. I will let it go. It will take some time though, and I have to at least get the funeral over and done with, trying to keep everything in.

So why did I love my Nanna? Well…I loved that she was kind. It wasn’t always to the right people but she was kind.

She did kind things for people who needed it. She literally gave a funeral plan that was fully paid for up, so a friend who didn’t have that, could be burried with dignity. A selfless act of kindness.

Jonnie and I lived with Nanna when we got married, so that we could afford to live a little whilst Jonnie was still a student. Nanna would often take our Laundry out of the dryer and fold it for us. She would do washing up for us. She would put things away for us. She would try her best to be so accommodating to us so that we felt at home. She bought Jonathan a study desk so he had somewhere to do work, just because she noticed he didn’t have one.

She wasn’t keen on spiders, but she tried to catch some of the ones at hers for me because I hated them more. Those were some pretty funny encounters because her eye sight wasn’t the greatest haha!

She would always share her chocolate. Many a night we sat and she talked and I listened about her history and to be honest, few of those stories do I remember. But I enjoyed that time together.

Jonathan became a trusted friend of hers. She loved his scones. I loved her potato cakes.

She didn’t like our time keeping though, she wouldn’t wait for us to get a lift to church haha!

When it was time to leave to our new house, 2 years on, she fell out with me for something. My sister said it was just because she was upset. So i approached her and told her we would miss her, and she started to cry and told me she would miss living with us. I would miss her, and did.

She often came over to do my ironing for me, and clean my oven. She wanted to help and be needed. I did need her help. After I did the great north run in 2010 with an injury, I was pretty much a cripple. For days Nanna came over and helped me do everything and as much as possible in the house for us, and helped keep Lauren entertained.

I only ever really debated politics with one person in this world. That was with Nanna. Mostly because she wouldn’t shush with her crazy ideas and she brought out the need in me to actually debate. Not many can do that. I don’t let them-and really just keep my mouth shut because it’s such a messed up country. But Nanna!!! We ‘healthily’ discussed the state of the country a lot ha!!

She was famous for saying to me “your mother’ll never die as long as you live”.

I am proud of that statement, most of the time. I would reply telling her what a compliment it was. Even when she was trying to be mean haha!

She loved her grandchildren and great grandchildren. She loved Lauren. She loved her a lot. And Lauren Loved Nanna.

When I told Lauren that Nanna was poorly in hospital, Lauren sobbed. But since Nanna died, she seems ok. and smiles a lot at the background on our laptop… (this picture)

it’s a perfect picture.

Nanna would almost annoyingly so try to reassure me that Lauren would be OK, and would walk and talk. I used to tell her with slight annoyance ‘yes, I know Nanna’. “she will you know”, ‘I know, NANNA’!! and so it would continue. Maybe she was reassuring herself.

Nanna and I were probably as strong willed as one another. We had banter. I loved that. I would greet her with ‘alright, shortie’! 🙂 She would laugh 🙂

She once said when I was much younger, “I love you, but I don’t know why” and laughed, for some reason I replied, “because I’m your lamb”. This became a ‘thing’ and I was her lamb. She bought me a couple of different versions over the years, but one I always kept even when it broke. It’s a pot lamb on a stand. It’s nothing special to anyone else. But to me, I can hear her voice when I look at it, and after I reply because I’m your lamb, she would laugh. She had a contagious laugh. It usually ended up with her coughing and that made me laugh at her.

Whilst in hospital this last time, Nanna bore her testimony through the oxygen mask a few times. Her faith and religion were important to her. She wanted everyone to know what she did. She served a mission when she was about 68? She loved it and kept in contact with those friends right up to the very end. She will be happily spreading the word now and meeting lots of family and friends again.

She loved chocolate did Nanna. Haha!! Yes, maybe we all get it from her.

I suppose her moving away and not really being in touch much since then has somehow made it easier to cope with now she’s gone. But it’s all very very sad, and I feel a deep pain that I’ve not felt before. I have lost friends, but I’ve not lost a family member that I’ve loved before.

She wasn’t always lovely, I know that. Even on her death bed she said some pretty mean things to me, but it doesn’t actually matter to me. I feel sad that she won’t call again, and I won’t have the fare well of “goodnight, God Bless, Love you lots, be good”…..and whatever else she felt like adding to it at the time. Haha, they made Jonathan Laugh!

I will celebrate on her birthday,1st June (she would have been 88!) and eat some galaxy chocolate for her.

I will miss her so very very dearly. For now Nanna,

Good night and God Bless,

your lamb 🙂