In March time I find myself reflecting on motherhood because in my time hop all all my Mother’s Day posts pop up and I get to read how I’ve put into words my love and feelings towards Lauren (this is Wyatt’s first).

Two years ago in March Lauren was hospitalised again (she went in in the Dec) and so I have some of the hardest memories to reflect on too. It makes me feel quite scared and vulnerable and so acutely aware of how mortal we are.

My most vivid memories of two years ago are that she was so sick we needed something drastic to happen to help her. I remember a Doctor explaining what mycobacterium abscesses was. I remember going to a very very dark place in my head very quickly. But the most pain I’ve ever felt in my life brought me to my knees one night. I’d had to leave that night as only one parent can stay, and I got home by myself late that night. It was dark and cold and I felt so completely alone like I’ve never felt before. I was convinced I was going to lose my most precious little Lauren. I remember getting to my knees and begging with every bit of my soul that Heavenly Father wouldn’t take her. I had never cried like that before where my whole entire body just hurt from emotional pain. I so needed that to not be her story. I needed her. And we needed a miracle.,

It didn’t happen over night for me but I slowly found a glimmer of hope again. I let that glimmer of hope become something I held on to. Hope is NEVER stupid. It kept me going. Through some things that happened and words said, I began to have faith that she would stay and conquer this massive trial and very real danger.

2 years on and she’s stronger than ever. We have no date for the tests yet but I’m hopeful they’ll be clear this time round.

Motherhood changed me. But more importantly, motherhood keeps on changing me. It keeps pushing me beyond my capacity to love so that I learn to love more.

It’s scary, and heartbreaking, and the most gut wrenchingly painful journey ever; it’s also the most beautiful, the most challenging, the most rewarding thing in my life and I would always choose Wyatt and Lauren over and over and over again (in hind sight I would have ordered a more sleepy, less screamy Wyatt though 😉) with all the pain and heart ache and challenges- because they are by far the best thing in my (& Jonathan’s) life. Please feel free to perhaps wish you could help, or be helpful- but please don’t feel sorry for us. Look at these 2 beautiful souls. I get to call them mine 💜💚

Happy Mother’s Day to the beautiful humans I know striving to do their best. Xx

When I met Jonnie it immediately felt like home. It was still scary sometimes. We were young and had some different ideas on life and came from different backgrounds. I never stopped feeling like we belonged together though. I knew very quickly that I would marry him and he would be a great partner. But I think we choose love more than once- in fact I think we show up and choose love almost every day. Some days more than others.

Love may indeed be a feeling but actually loving somebody is an action. If you don’t show it, then you don’t feel it enough.

I think that over time you can get where you just live with someone if you don’t put some time and effort in to loving and nurturing that love.

When someone is angry and hurt and just rotten. You choose whether to love them through that or decide it’s too hard.

When someone isn’t being exactly what you think they should be- for you- in the sense of support, and help in difficult times, then it’s a choice to still love them.

Families with additional needs within, have an extra stress and burden, likewise for those with health conditions. You can forget that there’s a marriage to keep nurturing. I’m not just talking about making sure you’re having sex and keep going on dates. It’s not just about that, but it’s about remembering at the end of the day to say I love you. In the morning kissing goodbye. It’s about thinking consciously about how to ease the other persons burdens. Filling the car with petrol, getting them some cereal so they eat, hanging out washing, washing the bottles, a text during the day.

It’s discovering what the other persons love language is. I certainly don’t know it all, but I do know the things that make Jonnie happy. A clean kitchen, organising outings for him to do the things he loves that I don’t, going out for a meal just the two of us.

He doesn’t really know my love language all these years on. I keep telling him, he’s learning VERY slowly. And in the mean time I choose to love him regardless 😂

When we’ve been in hospital especially when the babies were born, he did everything and I mean everything to make me comfortable. He held babies, went and bought hygiene products I needed, helped me dress, fed the babies.

That continued when home and he chooses to love me by doting on his children whenever he can. Story time, nappy changes, Physio, meds, and finds the time to play.

It’s easy to be selfish. It’s easy to say I love you and do nothing about it. It’s easy to disregard the others needs. But we choose to choose love.

Every day choose love.

Happy 14th wedding anniversary Jonnie. Apparently you deserve our Gold medal way more than I do haha!! 😉

Apes xx

A couple of weeks ago I struggled and struggled big time. After Jonnie got home from a few days away my mind and body really found it difficult to re set itself from just survivor mode. But by the weekend and some ‘free time’- he let me just leave the house when needed to go see my sisters and cousin and just be out- I felt SO much more like a human again.

The weekend was spent together and enjoying our time as a family and seeing some family and friends. It just made me feel so much better and seriously rejuvenated that the sun was shining! It helped that it was the start of half term too. Yay!!

I looked forward to the week ahead and our plans. The sun has kept shining and we have been out and enjoyed the park two of the days.

House work and just relaxing on other days. Jonnie took a day off and we got some needed family time to just hang out. Lauren had a blip in her health but it didn’t last long and then on Friday She and I ditched the baby for a girl day. She was SO excited and was adamant we did not miss Wyatt 😂 I might have agreed 😉 I love that little dude but my heart needed a Lauren day💜💜. It was so lovely and easy and we shopped, we baked, I cooked, we went for lunch. It was so good. The thing I noticed about Lauren is that when we made buns, she immediately began telling me who they were for. She didn’t keep more than 1 for herself, she wanted to hand them out to the family. So we did. She’s such a special little girl.

The weekend was spent together again and we got to spend time with some friends that Lauren adores-as do we, before a few crazy weekends arise for me. It’s just amazing that we have had, albeit short lived, some fresh brightness and cool crisp breeze, the things of late spring and it’s only February.

A couple of weeks ago I felt polar opposite to how I do now. And isn’t that just the variety and spice of life. Nothing lasts forever. Hold on. Hope on. And just enjoy the good when it comes your way. Enjoy it fully. And know that all those bad days will always be a distant memory when you get to be around those you love doing what you love. That’s life. It’s funny like that.

April x

I think I just need a pat on the back for surviving a tough week. Jonnie was away, Wyatt decided not to sleep through. He’s struggling with his extremely sensitive bowels. Lauren has extremely sensitive bowels but the opposite end of the spectrum to Wyatt. She had a rough couple of days.

We were only at hospital last week and both had glowing reports of weight gain, clear sounding lungs, and it was a very uplifting day indeed.

You can never take a breather though- this is our life. It’s overwhelming and I just have to ride out those days and feelings and hope on for better days ahead. That can be hard but it’s the only thing that keeps me going.

I suffer from situational anxiety and panic attacks and depression. Thankfully those feelings don’t last forever. There would be no point to it all if they did.

The doctors are consulting the gastroenterologist team regarding Lauren. Hopefully they can just tell us what happens. Even if they can’t fix anything, as long as I have all the info.

And Wyatt!? Well, there’s no real answer. But we’re doing what we can. And he’s happy most of the time too.

I always end up questioning life choices, or deciding it’s all too hard, and get angry, and have a real dark few days when I get scared for my children’s health complications.

Luckily when I get rational again I can think a bit clearer. And it helps that Jonnie comes home and helps too. And the moment seems fleeting.

I love this girl so much!

The sun is shining, spring flowers are blossoming and I’m reminded that life can feel good- even though I’m currently sat next to a vibrating physio therapy vest reminding me that it won’t ever be fair.

I made it though and I’m going to enjoy this weekend and fresh air!

Apes xx

It just takes over and swallows me up some days. Anxiety and panic and total fear. Fear is my nemesis. If I let my mind get away with itself I become afraid of everything. It consumes me. It’s like a black hole and I just can’t seem to see outside of it.

Jonnie was away for a few days with work and it was my first time with the children on my own. The first day was ok and the night time was not as horrific as I’d imagined. The next day went ok. I even got a little nap in with Wyatt (unheard of). Mum came to help with tea. And then Lauren threw up and had one of her episodes where it seemed like everything inside of her digestive system came out. They have thought for a few months that she suffers from overload. It’s scary and she goes drip white. But once it’s out- she’s fine again. My head visits all sorts of dark places and I think the worst.

Wyatt on the other hand has been off his food and everything in his system slows down and he’s not pooing enough at all. My head goes to even more dark places. And it always lands in a lonely terrifying abyss where I lose both kids and have nothing left to live for.

If you add a night and day of no sleep on top of that then I also end up questioning every life choice I’ve ever made. What’s the point. What’s the point in work. What the point in trying to be happy regardless of our situation. What is the point of anything. I end up thinking there is none because it’s never going to get better.

I of course know the answers. And at some point my head will get back there. But when my children are unwell then my heart is heavy. Hoping the doctors can help in some way to ease my mind.

Anxiety is real. Panic attacks are real. And a situational depression is real. I’m hoping I can find the light, hold on to the hope and continue in faith for the next little while at least.

(His face sums up my feelings so well!!)

Life is a rollercoaster. I don’t like rollercoasters.

A xx

You know, I contemplate the events in my life over and over. Daily. Some part of my trials and challenges surface and require some thought to process and lay to bed time and time again.

I definitely ask Why. So many times. On bad days that question feeds hurt and grief and pain that I can’t quite understand. On good days it lets me look for the blessings that are mine from everything I have faced.

I read from someone else’s story recently that said ‘ one hard time does not exempt us from another’. How very very true. When life seems so unfair as it is, there is always room for more challenges. Always. It seems to happen to people we like and love. It seems to happen when it looks like no more can be taken.

From my perspective they kept on coming without a second to catch my breath from the last. But what is there to be done? I think happiness and joy are worth fighting for. Often that has meant me changing myself. I’ve sought help and I’m forever grateful for the therapist who saw the strength in me and reminded me of it. I’ve fought to find the blessings because they help me see that amongst dark clouds there is always a silver lining. It’s hard to see it straight away. It always takes me some time. But I fight to get there.

I thought life was hard when we just had Lauren. That my friends was a WALK IN THE PARK!!! Hahaha!!

Seriously though- trials make us stronger. I think they prepare us for the next chapter. Challenges help us adapt. Life if we let it can mould us into greater human beings. I don’t see myself as anything but a hard working mum trying to do what’s best for my family. But I do look at my situation and unique challenges and I’m glad they’re mine. Mine to break me, mould me, break me some more and open up my heart to learning to love a little more and try to help others.

You absolutely can overcome your trials and challenges. They might not go away but you can master them and let them be your strength. It may rip your heart open, but if you let it with some hard work on your part you can have it mended and be stronger.

Just keep swimming. And be kind. I thoroughly believe that kindness blesses us deeply.

Apes xx

I couldn’t choose the best 9 so here’s my best 18 of 2018!!

In 2018 I watched friends and family go through some heart breaking times. We ourselves went through some incredible highs and some very low lows, but here are some things I’ve learned.

It’s ok to admit to yourself that you’re hurt and heart broken and upset- instead of just saying ‘I’m angry’. Anger is more often than not a front to some other feelings. It’s not weak to be heartbroken or devastated, it’s a self awareness that I wish more people had.

break ups, Divorce, the end of friendships or other relationships- no matter where the fault lies- brings heart ache, hurt and devastation and it’s ok to let yourself not only feel them things, but to admit to yourself you do. It is healthy to process those things.

Pregnancy for some is horrific and it’s ok not to like it, it hurts the body and mind for some and even though others may long for it, it’s ok to admit that you don’t love it and that it’s hard. Equally it’s ok to love it.

It’s ok not to love Disney land. I will stand by that one till the day I die!! 😣

I’ve watched a friend struggle and her wider family, because of cancer in a nephew. When someone’s worst nightmare strikes- talk to that person. It is definitely ok to pray from afar, and whatever your faith suggests whether that is fasting or temple worship or you just think of them often, all those things I believe help. But I know with some experience that people caring up close and personal with words, texts, phone calls and being interested enough to let others talk actually helps ease a burden. Be present no matter how hard or awkward you find it. It’s mostly not about you so get over it and you’ll probably find it’s actually a blessing in your life to over come that obstacle of not knowing what to say. If it’s you people reach out to- be kind as they may say the wrong thing. We’ve all been there.

Life certainly does not turn out how we hope, all the time. Blessings can be found amongst any pain and any event that shakes your world. Look for those blessings.

For me, reading my scriptures and praying brings a peace to my life I know I would get no other way. Do something that helps you find peace rather than dwelling in anger.

It’s ok to be angry. After all that is said and done sometimes we just feel angry. Life is not fair nor will it ever be. Just learn to channel the anger to keep moving forward rather than pushing people away and becoming an island.

Self awareness is a must. I have some ridiculously funny ways. I’m aware of most of them and so can somewhat control how I react to things, but be aware others aren’t always just out to be weird or mean or awkward, we’re all just super different and it’s what makes the world go round.

Be kind. This is a simpler statement than the action. But practise makes perfect. Be kind knowing mostly you’ll not get anything back, sometimes not even a thank you. Become a kind person, it shines through and you will be happier.

Work hard. Find goals you want to achieve and then get your butt to work. You can achieve anything. But you have to not give up, and you have to go get it.

Know that life is mostly ordinary and mundane on the every day tasks. That is when you hopefully find peace in enjoying the life you have created.

Make goals. Change goals. And try and not beat yourself up over failure. I fail on a daily basis. It’s ok. Try again tomorrow.

Love. Love fiercely and be loyal, and don’t worry about getting hurt. You either will or you won’t and either way- you will survive. Love completely and even when it’s scary.

Believe it or not it’s scary to love my children and let my heart open to them, because reality suggests I will lose both of them one day so I try to close my heart off. Jonnie helps me to recognise it and try to be softer and I recognise it more on an every day basis than I used to. I do love them with absolutely everything I have, I just get scared and sometimes derailed. This is where I have to keep trying every day.

Put your health first, physical and mental, it helps you do all the rest.

If you’re reading this then you’re probably a friend or family member of mine. I love you. And I will keep loving you. I’m here if people need me and I look forward to new beginnings of 2019 with hope and faith despite difficulties.

Wishing you all a very Healthy & Happy new year from the Birch family xxxx

When I met Jonnie it immediately felt like home. It was still scary sometimes. We were young and had some different ideas on life and came from different backgrounds. I never stopped feeling like we belonged together though. I knew very quickly that I would marry him and he would be a great partner. But I think we choose love more than once- in fact I think we show up and choose love almost every day. Some days more than others.

Love may indeed be a feeling but actually loving somebody is an action. If you don’t show it, then you don’t feel it enough.

I think that over time you can get where you just live with someone if you don’t put some time and effort into loving and nurturing that love.

When someone is angry and hurt and just rotten. You choose whether to love them through that or decide it’s too hard.

When someone isn’t being exactly what you think they should be- for you- in the sense of support, and help in difficult times, then it’s a choice to still love them.

Families with additional needs within, have an extra stress and burden, likewise for those with health conditions. You can forget that there’s a marriage to keep nurturing. I’m not just talking about being intimate, It’s not just about that, but it’s about remembering at the end of the day to say I love you. In the morning kissing goodbye. It’s about thinking consciously about how to ease the other persons burdens. Filling the car with petrol, getting them some cereal so they eat, hanging out washing, washing the bottles, a text during the day.

It’s discovering what the other persons love language is. I certainly don’t know it all, but I do know the things that make Jonnie happy. A clean kitchen, organising outings for him to do the things he loves that I don’t, going out for a meal just the two of us.

He doesn’t really know my love language all these years on. I keep telling him, he’s learning VERY slowly. And in the mean time I choose to love him regardless 😂

When we’ve been in hospital especially when the babies were born, he did everything and I mean everything to make me comfortable. He held babies, went and bought hygiene products I needed, helped me dress, fed the babies. He put himself last- and that is complete love.

That continued when home and he chooses to love me by doting on his children whenever he can. Story time, nappy changes, Physio, meds, and finds the time to play.

It’s easy to be selfish. It’s easy to say I love you and do nothing about it. It’s easy to disregard the others needs. But we choose to choose love.

Every day choose love.

he’s my ultimate example. Happy 14th wedding anniversary Jonnie. Apparently you deserve our Gold medal way more than I do haha!! 😉 I choose you Birch, every day (it helps that you’re hot 😘)

Apes xx

Day 1.

I start out exhausted, lack of sleep, feeling low and alone. Jonnie and I arguing because you end up turning on each other. The people close to me enough for me to know they check up on me and my family live far away or having a hard time, or living life as busy as it is or are currently poorly sick. No texts or calls to check I’m ok. Most days that doesn’t even cross my mind because no one can check up on anyone all the time – me as well. But today it makes me feel sad and my brain plays tricks on me that I’m not worth people caring about. Hormonal as my baby is only 13 weeks old. Wyatt had his jabs. I fall on the way into the doctors and my butt hurts so much I can’t sit down. He’s not a happy boy and gone back to screaming at me today. Lauren is at school but her health is so up and down lately. Once she’s home she fights me on every little thing. Wyatt continues to scream. Lauren has tummy issues and explosion after explosion and she starts crying. I’m crying because – well – life!!

I tell Lauren I need to go get Wyatt to which she gives out a panic cry and the most upset face that I have to leave her in her room. So I rush and bring Wyatt in to her room. We all sit hugging and crying so much I physically hurt.

I start to say a prayer that we’ll feel better soon. This is just too much. I think the adversary works on our weaknesses but also works to make us feel horrendous in our weak times. It piles up and up and when there’s no one around.

Jonnie’s late home. Of course. Why not. Curse public transport.

I tell him how I’m feeling and his response in regards to Wyatt ‘yeah bad timing’. I can’t deal with his man brain today so I go and lay on the couch and cry myself to sleep.

Day 2.

I wake up feeling better. Jonnie is off work to look after a poorly Lauren. I sort Wyatt out and it’s clinic day so I get some alone time with him. He’s placid and slept better and he sleeps in the car the whole way to hospital. He’s put weight on, he’s grown and his head is fat 😁.

He sleeps all the way home, I visit m & s and buy a ton of food haha! I get home and he feeds again and goes to bed. I get alone time with Lauren who is well today (her bowels are ok today). We play and do tea time routine. I get some much-needed and longed for one to one time with my bestest girl ever!

My goodness how I love her!! My heart is happy and I don’t feel so crazy today, and think that I can actually cope. Jonnie was home so that always eases my burdens.

I get cuddles and prayer time with Lauren and Jonnie. Then when she’s in bed Wyatt wakes and we get cuddles and he’s happy and smiley and even though I struggled to like him in the first few months, it’s so hard to like anyone who screams at you!- I remember how I fell in love with him instantly. I love my little boy, and now – I actually like him too (most of the time)!

Day 3.

I’m up early for a hospital app for me. I’m anxious and nervous and feel like I’m permanently damaged from having Wyatt. I’ve never had body issues. Lately I have felt less than. Jonathan constantly tells me he loves me and I’m beautiful. It helps a little. But having the relief of doctors tell you stuff can be fixed lifts a weight I didn’t realise how heavy it was.

I get home and mum arrives to help out with some errands and eases more burdens.

Then Wyatt and I snuggle and nap on the couch. I can count on one hand how many times I’ve had the time to sleep when baby sleeps, it feels good!!

Jonnie isn’t home tonight as it’s works Christmas do but it’s Sat tomorrow and so no rush for routine tonight – we’ll get it done and we’ll do it whilst relaxing.

My sister came around to chat and catch up. Nice at the end of a lovely ish day. Off to bed they go. Reality vs a snippet…

Cute right!? They totally are

However, I wish nappies changed themselves 😂😂

I have some rare me time.

I’m going to wrap some gifts, write some cards, and watch Christmas chronicles again – best film ever!!! Or I might scroll Facebook, eat ice cream and watch some trashy mind numbingly rubbish tv!!?!!

Today is chilled mostly.

All days can be different here. I expect that’s the same for everyone? If you feel lonely and I know you then please tell me. An hour chat during the week or catch up is sometimes all it takes and Wyatt and I will happily oblige (as long as no one is sick- cf does rule our lives sometimes).

I do know that I’m not alone but I also believe that we can be made to feel those dark things more and more when we already struggle. I believe in God and have a relationship with him. I also believe Satan is real and wants us to be unhappy. Sometimes I let those dark thoughts that I believe come from him dwell. Thoughts that I’m not good enough and it’s all too much and I can’t handle it. Not every day can be happy. Not every day is smiles. I get to bed around midnight – 1am most days, have very few clothes that fit and don’t hurt after birth. Christmas and birthday for Lauren are fast approaching and the anxiety of all of that can overwhelm. The kitchen table ends up full of crap cos I don’t have a second to tidy it up. I can’t be bothered putting the clothes away, or sorting my hundred doTERRA bags and boxes. I just about hold it together on most days. But some days I just cry and feel like it’s all too much.

But I’ve decided It’s ok. I’m human. And life can be hard. Talk about it. Cry about it. And then prioritise. Cuddles with my babies and my husband are no1 lately and they remind me why the heck we just keep carrying on! Prayers and cuddles with Lauren help soothe my soul.

Each day is different. Don’t write off tomorrow because of today and just get up and start again and know you are amazing!! You got this. And I’m grateful for Jonnie who repeats regularly to me ‘I got you, Birch’ (even if the engineer brain of his makes me want to plant a pie in his face all too often😁👍- after all I’m only human haha!).

A xx

If you’re a special needs mummy or daddy you may have heard of the piece of writing ‘Welcome to Holland’.

If you’re not- and you haven’t come across it then it’s a must read- especially if you have friends that have family affected by illness and or special needs. Here it is:

The thing that mostly brings me to tears is that my Lauren is so perfect and often she is looked upon by society as though she is not. She has an astounding personality that can lift the most tired soul. She is cheeky and playful and finds joy in so many small and simple things. We grow out of such joy. It’s actually a sad thing. I want to be more like Lauren.

I fully admit that when I was pregnant I dreamt of a slender dark haired daughter who would wear her hair like mine and be sporty like me and we would go running together and be the best of friends. It honestly did feel like I was mourning a loss. I really didn’t ever want Lauren to feel less than, because in no way was that the case. It was just a picture in my head that I had to change.

The lonely thing about it is that not many people end up in Holland and most get to be in Italy. It’s hard to relate and sometimes painful. But I get to learn so much about myself and Jonathan and Lauren that I realise I wouldn’t change her. The world could potentially spoil her and I’m glad I get to keep her innocent and lovely (most of the time).

The same goes for Wyatt but in a slightly different way. I finally let myself imagine that we’d be grandparents one day and as it stands most cf males are infertile. Having children if it ever can happen will be a difficult road for him, and I’m sad that he might not have that opportunity in the same way. There are alternatives I know. I let myself get carried away that I’d get to do a normal childhood with him but some very simple things, again, have to be avoided like farm trips 😦

Although our lives are not slow paced as suggested in the piece above, it’s almost spot on.

I do however, have some very very lovely and very very beautiful and very very priceless gifts here that I believe I wouldn’t have, had we got the normal (if that’s even the right word) life I had envisaged.

What a weird and wonderful trip we get to take with these little miracles.

A xx