I know that parents out there all have struggles. It’s no easy task parenting other humans when you barely feel like you’ve got your own 💩 together. Today though, I feel like I reached a whole new level of mean. I lost my mind.

We’ve been having more than a few issues lately with Lauren and her health. It’s been tough and continues to be and my worry and anxiety over that some days feels all encompassing. Some days it feels like someone is trying to choke the hope out of me. Some times it works. Mostly I get my act together and get on with it over the top of all that.

Lately though I’ve totally and utterly felt useless as a mum. The truth is she prefers everyone else to me any day of the week and it breaks me some days.

I no longer have any one to one time with her. She ALWAYS wants Jonnie at the weekend.

I tell you my sad tale because it leads up to an eruption of bottled emotions. Lauren has stopped listening to us, unless I’m shouting or going crazy. No amount of asking nicely does it at all. If she wants to pull Wyatt’s hair- she will ignore me ten times then do it and then look at me like ‘what?’. Same for leaving his toys alone whilst he’s trying to play (she will not share a single one of hers with him), same for cuddling -please read choking for cuddling- I kid you not! She’s brutal. Same exact fight EVERY SINGLE FOOD AND MEAL TIME. We seem to get on track with food and then every time she’s in hospital something happens and it’s a horrid dreaded battle every day. We’ve decided to stop fighting and get her a peg feed. I’m so done.

Today was a fight at everything, so much so that she had time out before breakfast, before lunch, and I turned in to mean mum. She wasn’t allowed to do anything. Every time she tried I made her sit still next to me and tell her that she wasn’t allowed because she hurts Wyatt/won’t eat/pulls hair/ignores mummy etc etc. She had a rubbish day.

Then I read a story on Instagram and someone reminded me that I have fought for these days, to have her here with me the good bad and ugly and would choose this over a day without Lauren every single time. This made me ball like a baby because Lauren missed out on enjoyment today because I clearly don’t have anything together and need to grow up. It’s not about winning. I need some new strategy’s. I’m working on it!! In the mean time I’m crying because sometimes I just suck!!

Today is one of those days.

Tomorrow is a new day. Thank goodness for that!!!!!

Luckily she had cousin company so I’m not all mean 🤷🏻‍♀️

From one psycho mum xx